The Big C

On March 11th, 2010, my mom and stepdad showed up at my dad's house. My sister and I were watching TV when they came up the stairs and asked us to come sit with them for a second. My heart pounded as I remembered eight years before, when my parents told us they were getting a divorce in the same living room. Right then, I knew something was wrong.

"I have to have some surgery soon," Mom said, delicately.

"Oh, for your cyst right?" I chirped, trying to keep my spirits up (she has a benign dermoid - unrelated).

"No, honey." She looked at my stepdad, and then back at my father. "Girls, I found a lump in my breast." My heart fell.

My mom had been diagnosed with Invasive Lobular Carcinoma (ILC) the day before. I pulled my body over to the couch, next to her. I was completely numb and we both cried. My stepdad bit his lip and my dad left the room. My sister played with the cat.

My mom had her first surgery on March 26th: a bilateral mastectomy. After some minor problems with her blood pressure, she was sent home the following day with two drains in her side. She was so weak that we'd have to pull up the foot rest for her on the recliner in the living room. I learned how to change her bandages, programmed all of her appointments into my phone and went back to school on Monday as planned, as it was spring break when she told us the news.

After many more tests and a few missed days of school, we were told that the cancer had already spread to the lymph nodes under her arm. The next surgery was on April 21st. They removed 28 nodes, four of which were cancerous. She was diagnosed with stage 3 ILC. Her tumour was six cm by the time it was removed. Now, she's had five of her six chemotherapy treatments. She gets one every three weeks. Her hair has fallen out in clumps, as well as her eyebrows and eyelashes. She starts radiation soon after her last chemo treatment, and she starts hormone therapy around then too.

Seeing my mom go through this has been the most devastating event in my life, by far. You can try to imagine how it would affect you, but there is no way to understand the heart-wrenching pain that grips me every time I think about her. About losing her.

A few weeks ago, we were up late watching TV when she turned to face me and said, "Look. I don't plan on going anywhere. I plan on seeing you get married, have kids and I intend to bother you and stick my nose in your business until the day I die, when I'm approximately 345 years old. But just in case, I just feel the need to teach you all these life lessons. I want you to tell me your favourite meals and I want to show you how to make them. I want to teach you how to play poker, and how to properly set a table. I want to teach you how to drive, and manage your bank account."

I looked at her. "The truth is, I don't know how long I have left on this earth. I want you to grow up and be a strong, successful woman. I want you to be able to stand on your own." She gathered her thoughts again. "I just want you to be able to make it, with or without me."

I bit my lip and told her "Ah, we've got time for all of that. You think I'll be able to remember all of it when I go off to university? You'll have to teach me all of that when we're both older. When you're watching my nine kids while I'm working."

She laughed and told me she was going to bed. I hugged her good night and cried in the bathroom for two hours.

To everyone who is dealing with cancer right now and to anyone who reads this and can relate: I need you all to know that the only way you will make it through this experience is to talk to someone. A dog preferably, because they don't judge and will happily sit with you when you're upset.

You need to hear yourself say out loud, "We're gonna make it through this." I wish I could say it gets easier, but I still cry whenever I hear Beside You by Marianas Trench. You try to stay positive, but you still have bad days. You're gonna cry and you might just wanna hit things. You need to express yourself. You need to watch sad movies and listen to sad songs, it's all apart of the process. I was so angry in the beginning I used to beat the walls in the garage until my knuckles turned white and bled.

Everyone reacts differently. I cried and cried and cried. My sister separated herself from our whole family. She's always out with friends now and we never even see her. Everyone is like a decaf version of themselves. No one is the same; we're all just shells of what we used to be, weighed down by fear and hurt.

My mom has a 60 per cent chance that the cancer will come back in the next five years. We did nothing to deserve this. She survived abusive relationships in childhood and in marriage, she worked herself to the bone to be where she is now and this is how she's rewarded. There is no cosmic balance that we all secretly hope is in play. Karma is nothing.

A lot of the time, I found myself thinking about how hard I would cry at her funeral. Although I'm still crying, writing about this, I changed. I don't think about her funeral. I think about how hard we're gonna party at her five year mark, when she's declared cancer free. I think about her hugging me after I graduate, helping me pick out my wedding dress and helping me name my kids. I think about how mad she's going to be when I inevitably stay out too late with the car.

I live every day like it is not only my last, but hers too. She's my best friend. She's all I have. I love her more than anything. I wish I could have gotten this cancer instead of her. I know, that's just my guilt talking... But I would give anything to see her as happy and healthy as she was last year.

Bottom line: There is no manual for this. It doesn't get easier. Now, I cry when I'm happy too because I just have so many emotions bubbling and boiling beneath my skin. Cancer changes everything. My mom isn't the only sick one. Our whole family is ravaged, traumatized and betrayed by every ounce of stability we once had. And I hate to break it to you, but friends don't know what to say. No one does. It's been six months since my mom was diagnosed, and even though so much has changed, only a handful of my friends know.

So everyone. Call your parents, tell them you love them. Hug them, spend time with them. Let everyone in your life know just how you feel about them. Because every second, somewhere someone's life is being destroyed by cancer. Two in every five women will be diagnosed with breast cancer in their lifetime. Women you know will be attacked by this murderous disease. Women you know will have to fight an uphill battle against their own bodies, just to stay alive. All we can do is try. Try to save each other, all the while trying to save ourselves.

There's no graceful way to deal with it. Life is gray for us. No matter how happy we can be, it's always there: the fear, the hate. All we can do is love each other while we can, and soldier on.

Cheer for Queer: Film Festival's Youth Gala Celebrates the Best in Youth Art

The 22nd Vancouver Queer Film Festival is Vancouver’s second largest film festival and is being held at several locations in downtown Vancouver from August 12 – 22, 2010. On top of outstanding queer cinema from around the globe, the festival also hosts workshops, performances, parties and other events for the eleven days.

This year, the Film Festival presents many films accessible to youth. With twenty-three films that welcome audiences under eighteen, this year’s festival has the biggest youth focus to date.

The highlight for youths was undoubtedly the Youth Gala, which was held at the Roundhouse Arts and Recreation Centre on August 13th. The evening began with a tour of the Pride In Art exhibition featuring some of the best queer art. The displays included a variety of mediums and contrasting colours and styles. The party continued with screenings of the films made at the 2010 NO HATE Youth Filmmaking Bootcamp and CampOUT and the winning short films of the Anti-Homophobia Student Public Service Announcement (PSA) Competition.

Promoting the motto “make a video, change the world,” the NO HATE Bootcamp presented by Out in Schools and Reel Youth taught participants to create digital films about gender expression, being allies and queer identity. The outstanding winning films of the PSA Competition came from Clayton Heights Secondary (Surrey), Argyle Secondary (North Vancouver) and Templeton Secondary (East Vancouver).

The films included a variety of silent films and claymations, featuring music created by young queer musicians. The audience and artists present at the Youth Gala were very supportive of one another, united in promoting the common theme of inclusion of queer students.

Following the premieres of the short films, several artists under the age of 25 showcased their talents at the Caffeinated Queers open-mic and cabaret. From dances to songs to poems, the upcoming artists expressed their hopes for the public to accept queer youth.

Finally, with DJ Jef Leppard playing catchy tunes, the young queer artists ended the night’s celebration with dancing and food. The youth artists of our community gathered for an evening of fun, dancing, films, and the dream of promoting an inclusive, anti-homophobia community here in Vancouver.

If you haven’t had a chance to check out this year’s Vancouver Queer Film Festival, it's not too late. For more information go to http://www.queerfilmfestival.ca/.

The Downfall of Self-Esteem

As a 21st century teenager, I believe that true self-esteem is on the downfall and we are turning into powerless victims in our own lives.

In this day and age, the media has become a dangerously manipulative force in the lives of teenagers. It thrives on the insecurities it instills in our minds and ultimately turns us into a reflection of its own materialistic image.

We are constantly surrounded by unrealistic ideas of beauty that we feel we’re expected to live up to, when the truth is that it is impossible to live up to something that was never real to begin with. As a result, our self-esteem plummets. Celebrities are subconsciously becoming our idols and unlikely role models during a time when a real foundation is so essential.

Meanwhile, most of the people who we see around us are equally as lost as us, when what we need are role models who have decided to pave the road to change. Drugs, alcohol and sex are only a few of the temptations we are faced with on a daily basis, and it takes an extremely confident person to be able to make the right decision.

Because of the expectations presented to us courtesy of the media, we find ourselves attempting to transform, but instead merely evolving into unappealing models of each other. Independence is becoming extinct, when true independence is one important way to boost a person’s self-esteem.

We are also slowly being haunted by the tragedies that dwell in the news, yet are rarely given the resources to use ourselves in transforming ways to ultimately breed change and gain a priceless sense of self-worth. Half of the media tells us that our world is slowly breaking down while we sit there numb to reality, while the other half of media persuades us to think about the vacuous, which triggers that part of us that is just a little unsure about where we stand in life. There has never been a more crucial time to change and essentially decipher fact from fiction.

Lastly, we are suffering from a lack of spirituality in our lives. There needs to be something other than the mistakes of others to learn from. We are presented with a mysterious emptiness that lurks inside of us; it may be nothing more than a spiritual void that holds us back from the fullness of life we were meant to experience, but we do not have enough self-esteem to stand up and say that something is missing in our lives.

The unfortunate truth is that we are all slowly losing self-esteem as we engage in the materialistic and superficial ideas promoted by our society today. We are going to have to get off this road we have been traveling on for far too long before it’s too late.

How to Enjoy Your Summer of Competitive Sports Training

Summer is a time to relax, right? It’s not so easy to relax though if you’re in a competitive sport and have to train throughout the summer. You may feel like you never have any time to relax and have fun with your friends. But don’t worry, summertime isn’t over just yet! So here are some tips on how to make your summer enjoyable, even if your training schedule resembles that of a professional athlete!

Stay positive
Always think of the brighter side of things. Sure, you’re investing a lot of time into your sport, but it’s not for nothing. You’re getting better and you’re improving with all this dedicated training. Remember that sometimes you need to give up some fun stuff in order to get ahead.

Keep your goals in mind
You’re doing all this work to reach your dreams. Don’t give up now because you’re getting closer to your goals and hard work always ends up paying off. Keep track of what you’re working towards, and you’ll soon see how much you have improved over these past few months. Summer will be so much more rewarding when you realize that you have accomplished more than just setting a new personal record at the number of hours you slept in one day.

Dedication is impressive to others
Remember that your dedication to your goals will be noticeable to your coach and your family. So be proud to dedicate your summer to sports training and your parents and your coach will in turn be proud of you!

Schedule ahead
Don’t forget to go ahead and schedule time with family and friends when you know you have a break. You deserve it! However, be the person to ask someone to hang out; don’t wait for them to call because they might never call if they think you're always busy! Even though you have to train, you also need a healthy work/life balance.

Never lose sight that you’re doing what you love and your extra training will help you excel. So whether you’re on the field or in the rink or gym, happy training and have a great summer!

2010 Teen Choice Award Winners Announced!

The much-anticipated 2010 Teen Choice Awards aired on Monday, August 9, celebrating the best in this year’s movies, TV, sports and more, as voted online by teens.

After teens cast more than 85 million votes, hit TV show The Vampire Diaries came out a big winner, taking the awards for Choice TV Breakout Show and Choice TV Show (Fantasy/Sci-Fi) while both Paul Wesley and Nina Dobrev took home surfboard awards for Choice TV Actor and Actress (Fantasy/Sci-Fi).

Meanwhile, Twilight star, Taylor Lautner, was a predictably big winner, taking home surfboards in the categories of Choice Hottie, Choice Smile, and Choice Movie Actor (Fantasy). His cast member, Robert Pattinson, won an award for Choice Movie Actor (Drama) for his movie Remember Me, and took time to say that he was happy to be recognized for something that was non-Twilight related. However, he did still win Choice Liplock with real-life girlfriend Kristen Stewart, for their heated kiss in New Moon, along with a few other vampire-related awards.

Hosted by singer Katy Perry and the Glee cast, Perry entertained the audience throughout the fun night by changing into outfits reflecting different high school cliques, although ironically enough, she admitted that she never actually attended high school herself.

Check out the full list of winners at the official Teen Choice Awards website to see if your favourite stars won big!

The Best of Summer TV

As much as we would love to spend every moment of our summer outside enjoying what little sunshine we can get our hands on, many of us fall victim to the great entertainment provided by summer television. Here is a look at this summer's most anticipated premieres, heartwarming finales and nail-biting events that we couldn’t help but come indoors for. After all, the sun could always wait for a couple of hours couldn't it?

Pretty Little Liars
A mix of mystery and drama, Pretty Little Liars is a new show that has kept many tuned to their TVs this summer. Based on the book series by Sara Shepard, Pretty Little Liars stars four teenage girls attempting to keep their darkest secrets from being unveiled after the sudden death of their close friend Allison. While being taunted by mysterious texts from an anonymous sender known as “A,” the four friends find themselves in a race to find “A” without letting their own skeletons out of the closet. With its suspenseful plot line and interesting characters, Pretty Little Liars has definitely been keeping many on the edge of their seats this summer!

Jersey Shore 2
Who ever knew that a series about eight strangers partying day in and day out in Seaside Heights, New Jersey, could have sparked the enormous buzz that it has? From bright orange spray tans to heavily gelled hairdos to overwhelming amounts of Ed Hardy, the “interesting” cast of this controversial show kept many of us eager to see what on earth could top the first season of Jersey Shore. The second season promised twice the drama, hook-ups, fights, hot tub scenes and of course fist pumping wildly in clubs all over Miami. With all that entertainment, Jersey Shore 2 quickly became one of the most anticipated premieres this summer. Snooki must be so proud; it seems as if she’s become the new Lindsay Lohan.

The Hills: Final Season
Whether you watched The Hills or not, it was nearly impossible to be unaware of the drama that was always occurring in the lives of Lauren Conrad, Heidi Montag, Kristin Cavallari and of course, Spencer Pratt. What began as a spinoff of the popular teen television series Laguna Beach, soon became one of MTV’s most popular reality shows. The Hills kept viewers constantly entwined in a tangled web of hookups, rumours, breakups, a secret marriage and, of course, plastic surgery disasters. The final season not only marked the end of an era, but also left viewers deliberating if the show was really reality or just a scripted lie. However, don’t let the finale get you too upset, for I’m sure Heidi and Spencer will find some way back into the media!

Big Brother 12
With the addition of a secret saboteur to the cast, Big Brother 12 has been one of the most talked about seasons of CBS’s entertaining reality show. Big Brother, which usually features 13 strangers living in a house together, each competing for half a million dollars, has truly lived up to its “expect the unexpected” motto this season. In order to create more buzz to the show, CBS added an undercover saboteur to play the role of a spy and troublemaker in the house. Many of us can blame this saboteur for not only wreaking havoc in the Big Brother house, but also for countless hours wasted watching TV this summer.

The Bachelorette
The Bachelorette has always been an entertaining television program as thousands of viewers watch a single bachelorette choose between several bachelors in hopes to find true love. This season’s bachelorette, Ali Fedotowsky, not only became a TV star this summer, but was also very popular among tabloids. While rumoured to have great trouble picking between the last few finalists, many tuned into the Bachelorettee finale to find that Fedotowsky had picked Roberto Martinez. All in all, we wish the best of luck to the new couple!

FIFA 2010
The FIFA World Cup held in South Africa this year was easily one of the most popular television events of the summer. With over 30 countries from across the globe competing for the world cup, and no Team Canada, Canadians found a variety of countries to jump on the bandwagon with. After disappointing performances by soccer favourites such as France and Italy, Spain was eventually victorious. The suspenseful final game between Netherlands and Spain was witnessed by millions of TV watchers worldwide. The six-week event proved to be successful in drawing eyes away from the summer weather and towards the television.

Cool Products for Back to School

Back to school can be a drag, but not if you have some of these cool items to help make it fun!

Clocky
Invented by a student, Clocky is an alarm clock with wheels. It rolls and jumps around your room until you catch it to turn off the alarm!

Available at dormco.

Bed Risers
Pop your bed up on these risers and you will create an extra six inches of space underneath your bed! In a space-challenged bedroom, you will create a place to store all your homework supplies.

Available at dormco.

Cable Capture
The cords from multiple electronic devices lying around your room can make your bedroom look a lot messier than it actually is. Cable Capture will capture those cables for you. You just wrap the long cords around it and wow! You will notice the difference right away!

Available at dormco.

Sushi Stapler
This stapler that looks like sushi is easy to find with its distinctive look and is small enough so that you can put it in your backpack pocket. Before handing in your assignments, staple the pages neatly with your sushi stapler and your teacher will be impressed!

Available at Urban Outfitters.

Sparrows Nest Paper Clip Holder
Instead of worms, this little sparrow will get you paper clips! Put all your paper clips in the magnetized bird’s nest for a sure hold. You’ll never have to lose another paper clip again.

Available at Urban Outfitters.

Unisex Athletic Right to Play Watch
With this wristwatch to help you keep track of the time and date, you will never be late for school again or forget about that big upcoming test! Featuring a sporty silicone band, you can even wear it straight through gym class.

Available at Roots.

Reversible Shipping Tote
Do something good for the environment and buy Roots’ reversible shipping tote. Once your items have been shipped in style, you can turn this bag inside out and ta-dah! It is now a cool new affordable tote bag that you can bring to school!

Available at Roots.

2010 Teen Choice Awards Airs Tonight!

Another eventful year in young Hollywood has passed, which means it’s time for the much-anticipated 2010 Teen Choice Awards! Co-hosted by Katy Perry and your favourite actors from Glee makes this is a must-see event for all of you entertainment lovers. And if you’re still not convinced, here are the top 6 reasons why you have to watch tonight's 2010 Teen Choice Awards:

1. The iconic and bubbly Katy Perry is performing the summer anthem of the year, California Gurls! It would be terrible to miss a live performance of the outrageous music video you can’t get enough of.

2. Whether you are Team Edward or Team Jacob or still quite undecided, you can feast your eyes on Robert and Taylor all you want because the entire Twilight cast will be in attendance.

3. You wouldn’t want to miss celebrities donning the latest trends and fashions while looking like godly creatures on earth. In fact, the captivating brunette, Lucy Hale, who stars in this summer’s hit TV series, Pretty Little Liars rocks the red carpet with a Paule Ka cocktail dress. At the same time, it's always fun to see who makes the worst dressed list too!

4. For all you “Beliebers” out there, although Justin won’t physically be present because of schedule conflicts, he still prepared a little something for you that won’t leave you disappointed.

5. Blair or Serena? Regardless of who you prefer, both Leighton and Blake will be at the show with along with the rest of the cast of Gossip Girl. Translation, there will not be a lack of eye candy at this award show. To no surprise, each one of them looked equally stunning and fabulous.

6. Nothing tops a show hosted by Katy Perry and your favourite actors from Glee. It’s simply the perfect equation for a night of fun!

*The award show, which happened on Sunday, airs tonight on Fox (8pm ET/PT).

Catching the Spirit: Making A Difference

“Excuse me… do you have a few minutes for us to talk to you about the ecological effects of drinking bottled water?”

You couldn’t count how many times I heard this line during our participation with one of Catching the Spirit's stewardship project. Catching the Spirit is "an outdoor environmental stewardship and outdoor recreation/learning program that encourages leadership development and social responsibility..." We were participating in Toxic Free Canada’s “Getting off the Bottle” campaign. And so, what better place to try to educate people then up at the Capilano Reservoir- where Metro-Vancouver’s tap water comes from; also where much of the bottled water you buy comes from.

Why pay up to $3 for a bottle of water, when it’s the same stuff that comes out of your tap and, in fact, probably not as clean? Bottled water companies don’t regulate their water as often. But even worse than the financial effects of bottled water are the long term ecological effects.

Did you know it takes 28% of a bottles’ volume in crude oil to manufacture, fill and transport it. And in BC alone, 130 million water bottles ended up in the landfill in 2007. In the process of manufacturing the bottle, at least two cancer causing toxins are released into our atmosphere. It’s not enough to just recycle; we need to stop buying bottled water, so the demand will be reduced and the manufacturing will be unnecessary. Do we really want our world to suffer, from the simple choices we can make every day, such as bringing a reusable bottle with us to the park or to the beach.

The youth at Catching the Spirit were excited to be sharing their knowledge with the rest of the community. You can probably imagine how good it feels, to know that what you’ve done today will affect your world for years and years to come. At Capilano River, 85 pledges were signed to reduce the consumption of bottled water; for a single day that’s something to be proud of. Everyone’s excited to be making a difference at Catching the Spirit, and “Getting off the Bottle” is just one of the fabulous projects the youth have done to make a difference in their parks, their communities and their world!

List of 2010 CCMA Awards Nominees

Photo: 2010 award nominee Doc Walker, also the reigning 2009 Group of the Year winner.

Get ready for a night full of country music fun because the nominees for the 2010 Canadian Country Music Association Awards show are out!

The awards show, which takes place on September 12th in Edmonton, will showcase the best of Canada’s country artists and celebrate the past year in the country music scene. Gord Bamford leads with six nominations while Group of the Year favourite Doc Walker tied with Dean Brody, Corb Lund and Johnny Reid with five nominations.

Keep on reading for a partial list of 2010 CCMA Awards nominees. The full list can also be found on the Canadian Country Music Association website.

Fans’ Choice Award

• Gord Bamford
• George Canyon
• Doc Walker
• Corb Lund
• Johnny Reid

Single of the Year

• Dance With Me — Johnny Reid
• Day Job — Gord Bamford
• Dirt Roads Scholar — Dean Brody
• I Believe in Angels — George Canyon
• If I Fall — Doc Walker

Album of the Year

• Day Job — Gord Bamford
• Dean Brody — Dean Brody
• Go — Doc Walker
• The Long Way Home — Terri Clark
• Losin’ Lately Gambler — Corb Lund

Songwriter(s) of the Year

• Dance With Me (written by Victoria Banks/Johnny Reid/Tia Sillers; recorded by Johnny Reid)
• Day Job (written by Gord Bamford/Byron Hill; recorded by Gord Bamford)
• Dirt Roads Scholar (written by Dean Brody; recorded by Dean Brody)
• Heart Of Gold (written by Jessie Farrell / Jesse Tucker; recorded by Jessie Farrell)
• If I Fall (written by Murray Pulver / Chris Thorsteinson / Dave Wasyliw; recorded by Doc Walker)

CMT Video of the Year

• Dance With Me — Johnny Reid
• Day Job — Gord Bamford
• Devil’s Best Dress — Corb Lund
• Watching You Walk Away — Shane Yellowbird
• Wildflower — Dean Brody

Female Artist of the Year

• Victoria Banks
• Terri Clark
• Jessie Farrell
• Carolyn Dawn Johnson
• Crystal Shawanda

Male Artist of the Year

• Gord Bamford
• Dean Brody
• George Canyon
• Corb Lund
• Johnny Reid

Group or Duo of the Year

• Doc Walker
• Hey Romeo
• The Higgins
• One More Girl
• The Road Hammers

Roots Artist or Group of the Year

• Ridley Bent
• Blue Rodeo
• Shane Chisholm
• The Higgins
• Corb Lund
• Rising Star
• Jaydee Bixby
• Chad Brownlee
• High Valley
• One More Girl
• Marlee Scott