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Sound Off: Why Do Parents Compare Kids?

by Nara Kim – Point Grey Secondary, Vancouver BC Oct 21, 2011

Does everything have to be a competition?

I am one of the lucky ones. My parents don’t compare me to others. Instead, it was my grandparents who would make my cousins and me sit in front of them and report our school progress. How awkward!


Being compared to siblings, cousins or friends may sound familiar to many of you and if you can relate to this situation, you also know being compared to someone else can be one of the most frustrating things ever.


When your best friend is chosen to be valedictorian, a classmate is named the MVP for their sports team or your good friend is accepted into a prestigious university, it is only natural for parents to feel a little pang of jealousy that it’s not their child. I can understand that, but why does it have to become a competition?


Is it because when our parents, or grandparents for that matter, hear of others doing well it reminds them that their children and grandchildren have fallen short of their high expectations? Well, it seems like that is the case with my friend Allison*.


Allison and I have a friend who is extremely bright and talented named Michelle*. Not only does Michelle receive straight A’s, but she is also involved in various school activities, such as student council and sports. Allison is extremely artistic and smart as well, but is entertaining the prospect of a non-academic career after high school – likely a less traditional path than the one Michelle is heading towards. One day Allison and her mom got into a fight and at some point during the argument, Allison’s mom said the one thing no kid wants to hear: “I wish I had a daughter like Michelle.”


Sure, it’s our parents' job to motivate us and thereby help us succeed, get a good job and be happy. But there’s a big difference between encouraging us to reach our potential and making us feel inferior.


So what can teens do to get their parents to open their eyes and stop comparing them to other kids? I think the best way to deal with these unfair comparisons is to communicate with them. Ask your parents what exactly they want from you and tell them sincerely how stressed out you are because of their expectations. Hopefully, when your parents realize the harm they are actually causing they’ll appreciate what you bring to the table and all the good that you do.





*Names have been changed.

Comments (5)
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True

Submitted by glass_slippers on Mon, 01/30/2012 - 19:58.

Competition between people, civilization and society has always been inevitable. It's a never-ending competition of survival of the fittest! In particular, this article shares the frustrations of family members being compared with one another, which constantly occurs. Cousins, siblings, friends and even rivals seem to always be fighting for the top spot. I think the pressure from our parents, who only want us to succeed, sometimes pushes us away from our friends and like noted above, knowing that we're not 'good enough' for our parents definitely triggers a feeling of shame.
I would definitely feel horrible if my mom said she wanted one of my friends as her daughter, rather than me.

Low Self Esteem

Submitted by CamEss on Mon, 01/09/2012 - 17:29.

I agree. There are far too many kids who suffer from low self-esteem from the bullying of their parents for not being good enough. Perhaps the parent/guardian feels that the child will strive to do better once they receive the truth, but a lot of the time kids go the other way completely, which only leads to more problems.

High Expectations

Submitted by xotluddu on Mon, 11/21/2011 - 17:34.

The ridiculously high expectations of parents seem to rise out of their lack of accomplishment. Because they were unable to perform well in an area, they are hoping that their kids will be able to do well FOR them. However, this is an absurd concept that destroys a student’s confidence in their ability to succeed.

False Motivation

Submitted by tracydong on Mon, 11/14/2011 - 17:44.

I believe that the initial reaction a parent feels after witnessing the success of another child is immediately to motivate their own child up to that child's standards. What they do not realize, is that they are doing it in a way that obliviously deteriorates their child's confidence. It is extremely unfair for the child to be treated in such an undeserving manner but their power to become aware of the treatment they are receiving and to take action to resolve it, will truly result in a more relieving solution. Therefore, I agree with the advise that the article offered.

Unfair System

Submitted by rosealake on Mon, 10/24/2011 - 16:40.

I agree - it's totally unfair to compare kids on such a narrow system. I have little faith in the school system's ability to grade kids’ intelligence. The smartest, most innovative person in the world might not perform well in standard school tests. Parents devaluing their kids based on these judgments is not fair, and can be really damaging.

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