11 Reasons Why Facebook Makes Me Want to Slap You

With notifications, pokes, tags, photos, status updates, wall posts and the infamous stalking (which no one admits to), there is no doubt we have all come across many things that irk us about Facebook. With millions of users spewing their every thought and posting their every move, it’s impossible not to get irritated with the endless piles of useless info and the bombardment of baby photos – and these are just the tip of the irritation iceberg! The following Facebook pet peeves make me wish I could change the “poke” feature to a “slap.”

11. Chronic Status Updates
Everyone has at least one friend who updates their status nearly twice an hour. Twice a day is all right, but when you post useless updates multiple times per day, you come off as annoying. There are things people don’t need to know about you. Unless your updates are super hilarious (not just to you, but to others as well) or groundbreaking, please refrain from the constant need to hit “share” every 10 minutes, OK? That’s what twitter is for…

10. Creating a Profile Page for Your Pet
Creating a Facebook profile for your pet is lame. Instead of making an account for your dog, how about taking the poor thing out for a walk to get some fresh air? Your pet would benefit more from a walk than a “Which He-Man Character Do You Look Like?” quiz. Besides, if your dog types like mine, his profile would just end up looking like this: akjdki92jdsfsdf

9. Name-Changers
You’re searching for a friend, but they’ve mysteriously disappeared. Were they fed up with you and decided to decontaminate their friend list from your infectious presence? Nope, still there, but for some reason they’ve switched their name from Sarah L to “Ess Smileyface Sillycakes Ell.” These are usually the same people who wonder why they haven’t received a friend request in the past six months. Um, probably because no one can find you! No one got the memo that you switched identities, and no one in a million years could guess you now go by the pseudonym “Pedro Sandstorm Six.”

8. BFFs on Facebook, Strangers in Real Life
This is just weird – people who talk to you incessantly on Facebook, but either ignore you or are too shy to approach you in real life. They offer their deepest sympathies when you mention that your pet lizard died on FB, but they won’t even look at you when you pass them on the street. Has human communication completely deteriorated? In prehistoric times, we were once very scared of the saber-toothed tiger so we communicated with each other, and as a group we were able to defeat this ferocious cat monster. But now we’re scared of each other, hiding behind our computer screens, chatting up a storm online while avoiding each other in real life. This is silly. I vote we bring back the saber-toothed tigers. Maybe we’ll relearn how to talk to each other again.

7. Stupid Statuses
Everyone living in your region knows it’s raining cats and dogs right now. Most of us have windows and working eyeballs. There is no need to post it on Facebook. Also, during the first week of September, I’ve noticed that the newsfeed is always clogged with end-of-summer complaints. Yes, we know school has started and summer is over, but the next time you feel like complaining about it, try thinking about the fact that one billion people don’t have access to clean drinking water. So start smiling and go to class!

6. Incessant Notifications
A friend just posted a hilarious picture of themselves that made you giggle. You hit “like” and 20 minutes later, you are bombarded with way too many notifications because people have decided to spark the most interesting conversation about chemistry homework in the photo comments. It becomes extremely annoying as those red flags at the top of your screen pop up like there’s no tomorrow. Keep your comments in the appropriate place, people!

5. Live-Feed Cloggers
Let’s face it, the same people show up on the live feed 24/7. You know, the ones who are constantly growing crops or feeding their cows and pigs in Farmville? Please do not clog up the live feed with obsessive posts about fresh corn and fruit. This is one of the most prominent reasons your friends hide you.

4. Useless Quiz Results
Just because your quiz result told you that you will die in 852 days, 565 hours, 245 minutes and four seconds does not mean it’s true. The fact that you got Snooki on a Jersey Shore character quiz when you are obviously The Situation does not matter and no one cares. A Facebook quiz cannot decide your fate, nor can it predict how tall you will be. Your genes do. Now stop posting useless things and get started on your homework.

3. Photoshopped Pictures
How many times have you seen someone’s profile photo, barely able to recognize the person because of Photoshop edits? Spending so much time editing your pictures to the point where no one can recognize you is ridiculous. People will see you in real life, remember? That’s a lot to live up to. There is no need to airbrush your acne, shave off pounds, whiten your teeth, boost your bust or shrink your bum. Those edited photos are not you and won’t be you. Learn how to love yourself.

2. Everybody’s Business
Once you post something on Facebook, everybody knows your business. Changed relationship status? Yes, everyone will be talking about you. Once you post your intimate life on Facebook, it won’t be intimate anymore. Be careful with what you share! Everyone has Facebook, and certain information about you can be shared with others and stir up gossip. Potential employers could also search you up and see your posts – this could actually prevent you from getting a job. Be careful what you post. A good rule of thumb? If you wouldn’t say it in mixed company, don’t post it on FB.

1. Chronic Relationships Status Changers
(Insert name here) is now single. Thirty minutes later, they are in a relationship. Forty-five minutes, “it’s complicated”. Two hours later, they are single again. Really, people who change their relationship status as often as they change their underwear should either pick a status and commit to it or seek medical advice as to why they need to change your underwear so often. After a while, no one takes you seriously. It’s like the boy who cried wolf. If your relationship is really that complicated, how about taking the time to go out and establish a steady one rather than spending your time explaining why “it’s complicated” on Facebook to 564 of your closest friends.